Tag Archives: pain

My letter of apology 

I have been in many relationships. 

Some successful, others a complete mess. But there are those relationships, the ones you never forget, or the one. 

Recently, I went through a rough breakup. I lost the person I loved most, and I didn’t lose this person in the sense that the person went away. No.. She stayed. 

People say that when you are able to be friends after a breakup, it surely couldn’t have been love. And I don’t know. Maybe someone wants to hold on for dear life, hold on to something familiar without it destroying them. 

It’s the worst kind of love, the one that lingers, the one that never goed away, the one that eats you alive because you know only one love and you cannot change and yet it is expected of you. 
This is my letter of apology.

 I’m sorry, but I can’t change my heart. 
We are broken people in this world, and many times we may never know how we will get the courage to breathe tomorrow, we don’t know how we will get the strength to get a foor out of bed and yet you force yourself to do it, because it’s expected of you. 

It’s expected that when you smoke, it comes back out. But it doesn’t. It stays in your lungs, in your blood. You take it until you can’t and then you do it again and again and again. Until one day.. You can’t breathe in anymore. 

So this is my letter. 

I found my love, my truest love, the purest. With fights and all. And yet you’ll never take me back… 

I had to be taught to be patient for the next message, I had to be taught how to love directly without being scared. And you did it babe, you taught me so well. 

I am addicted to your direct love and now that you are gone, you are still in my blood and in my breath and in my touch. 

All I wanted to say was that I am sorry, that I couldn’t be the person you deserved. You will someday find that person and they will be the luckiest person alive. But I will never love again. Not because you left. Not because of anything that happened. 

I will never regret any of it. 

But because you were my direct love baby. You were all I needed. And now there’s just no more breaths left. 

I am floating, without motion. 

And it’s because you were perfect for me. 

There will never again be another you

The scary thing about love

I’m almost positive that when you read this, you might feel the same.

 

It all started with a morning conversation about kissing. we laughed, there were questions, and then you told me you were in love with me.

My heart was pulsing so much I could hardly concentrate on the meeting I was in. Finally the one I adored, was in love with me..

Days and weeks went by, happy, like never before.

And one sad day I woke up realizing that something big happened and I wasn’t even aware of it all.

I regret ever asking you about it

Because it all went down in flames

I cried, you cried

And then you told me you couldn’t do it anymore, not the way we are use to be together.

Now

I listen to the voice notes you sent me, saying… Baby.. I.. Really love you

And it plays over and over in my head and in my heart, because I’m still there and you’re nowhere to be found

 

And now…

Even in the briefest of moments I get glimmers of who we use to be

The love we shared, the happiness

 

And now…

I’m left behind

Because there’s so many things waiting for you

While I just sat, waiting for you

 

Because..

There has never been anyone else for me, you were the first, you’ll be the last

 

A heart can only scar that many times

And I won’t beg to be hurt, yet another day

 

Love..

The girl you left behind.

 

… Done fighting

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I have this anger inside of me
I hit the wall
They break my dreams
When will they open their eyes
and start to see
All that they are doing, is destroying me

Broken knuckles
Red vine eyes, from every occasion I ever cried.

I can’t do this, cant do it anymore
Rather leave me behind standing at the door
I can’t do it.. I can’t do it anymore
I am left broken and you started the war

With word and gestures you never meant
I’m pulling on the shortest end
Broken days and endless nights

I am done, fighting these fights

I think I may need some more caution tape

The bright yellow lables were caught between my ribs. Covering each part of my chest as a danger zone.

      HEART UNDER CONSTRUCTION
     DAMAGED AND MAY FALL APART

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LOOK INTO MY EYES, DO YOU SEE IT
     CAN YOU SEE MY BROKENNESS

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There has been an accident. . .
I can feel the chaos, everywhere in my body.
Overheating my mind, making me feel dizzy with pain.
My chest tighten,  my breath flows away, my lungs start to empty and I feel like there’s no reason to stay.

I love too easily
I love like you fall asleep..
First slowly, and then all at once.
Please stay?….
But no one every really does.
In life your not allowed to keep anything, except memories.

Life is painfully progressive at most.
We find ways to cope, but not all of them last long
But we live. We put one foot in front of the other and we keep going.
And if you would ask me :
“Do you still believe in magic?”
My answer will still be
“yes”